So, for ages I have had two so unnecessary fears: police and doctors. I can touch a snake, bungee jump, ride any ride, kill any bug, handle rodents.... but I am have been uneasy about both Doctors and Police for ages, well into my childhood... no reason and yes I know it's (mostly) irrational.
This winter I had written a blog on domestic violence, after the murder of my best friend's sister in law. In it I gave warning signs of abuse. This blog was geared more-so towards abuse between significant others. But I said to ALWAYS report if you feel a friend or loved one is in danger and to help them to get out.
I didn't anticipate being the one involved of betting anyone out of such a situation, and I certainly wasn't thinking of it involving a child. But, this week it did.
If you suspect or see child abuse, report it:
Hotline Numbers
- In Virginia: (800) 552-7096
- Out-of-state: (804) 786-8536
My oldest niece is not by blood or by marriage. She is by love, that I have been her honorary Aunt for the past 7 years and some change. Unfortunately life dealt her quite the difficult hand. She has no dad-- he has been 100% uninvolved since day one and lives several states away without any contact or support financial or emotional. Her biological mother has made numerous poor decisions that resulted in her loosing custody over seven years ago. My best friend and her husband worked two jobs a piece to be able to afford a custody lawyer to get custody of his daughter and his daughter's sister (his former step daughter). Not only did they love and want his biological child, but they wanted his former step daughter. After 6 months of court dates and her being in foster care for six months they were granted full custody.
For a majority of her time within their family her bioogical mom had minimal contact, skipped visits for months and months, skipped every important day and holiday. About 2 years ago (after 5 plus years of nearly no contact) she started to get the girls for visits- initially supervised and worked their way up to weekend visits (1 overnight). A year ago she requested custody of her oldest child (my friends step daughter). She was given 3 months of temporary custody and at the end of that three months the judge placed the child back with my friends. She rarely visits the younger daughter and only took the older one about 50% of the time for scheduled visits this past year. In April, again she was given temporary custody. Whenever my niece's mom gets custody, we get minimal if any contact, as their is no dna link so visitation rules seem to have not applied the same. This again was the case this time. She moved out mid April and now it is early June.
My niece added me on her new facebook account. Apparently she had snuck a phone w/o service and connected to the wifi. Initially she was vague on her level of contentment there. I could tell even via FB messages something was wrong. Over the following week she spilled her hurting heart out to me. She was living in the home of racists. Because she had friends of all colors they would call her "Nigger lover" and "hoe" not by her name. She was frequently being punished for minimal to no violations-- some of which included hanging out with people of other races.
Tuesday night She told me she was grounded to her room (for numerous days)-- no ac and shut off from the rest of the family. Her room was extremely hot. They had taken all her clothes and shoes and personal hygiene items. She was being fed. When I asked about drinks, she said she could get drinks but not often. This was extremely dangerous as she had already mentioned how extremely hot she was and her room was. Suddenly contact stopped, and she didn't get on at our agreed on time. I was extremely worried. I contacted her friend who told me how she had to sneak on fb. I was still very worried, and I knew I needed to make a child welfare complaint. What was going on was beyond not right- it was dangerous. I was giving her until morning to contact me back-- you have to realize she'd been talking to me every single day about the issues she was having. Maybe I should have already acted, but I didn't want to act too quickly and have her stuck in that home and have her punishments become even more severe, so I knew I had to walk that line delicately to protect her from all angles. I had told her though that I would come get her if she didn't feel safe and that she couldn't stay there if it became unsafe to her. She knew I was serious. And yet, silence for 18 long hours!
Just as I was about to make a CPS complaint my facebook dings with a desperate message from my niece.
" can you come get me today I don't feel safe please come get me the address is________"
"Because she tried to put me n the corner n she tried to chock me last time"
Rules and custody and laws did not at all matter in that moment- nor did my fear of Police. I would not and could not have her safety in my hands and fail her. I drove 40 miles to pick her up at the friends house she snuck to hide out at, while her biological mother was asleep. She had NOTHING-- A tank top and short shorts without undergarments, she didn't have deodorant, she hadn't been allowed to properly shower. She was embarrassed. I immediately brought her back to my house and had all three the kids eat some pizza, stay away from windows and doors as I quickly researched my options, with Mom's foster care links, Marko's lawyer, and then she was able to be reunited with my friends, safely back into their home. We got her a shower, hygiene items and clothes. Of course the police were called and came to that house. We spoke with the two officers and they spoke to her privately as well. They told us to drive the 40 mins back to her biological mothers house to get her belongings and if we had any issues call them again.
Unfortunately since she had no marks from the choking that were visible and everything else was just considered "hear-say" her biological mother and the boyfriend wouldn't be in any real legal trouble. My friends had full custody again until the next court date when the judge can see the evidence and hear from my 16 y/o niece.
Her biological mom facebooked me 4 hours after I picked her up asking if I had her. Throughout the hours I had so many various messages from "Are you keeping her", "she better be here in 15 mins", "she can just live with you ", "we are pressing charges if she isn't home in 15 hours"....
We went to the biological mothers house and knocked and she refused to give her her belongings. She then called the police to report her as a runaway-- while we were in front of the house. We too called for police assistance. Three units with 5 officers responded. Since she saw who was with my niece she used the "father" and my name as who had Kidnapped her. Almost laughable.
The 1st officer was great and got our initial response and hers as well. We stayed in the vehicle the whole time. My niece was visibly nervous she'd be forced to go back there. Another officer came up to the vehicle quite arrogant. It is officers like him who give ALL officers a bad reputation. His first statement is "There's our runaway" (yeah, she's been missing 7 whole minutes now--- all while in front the house). He also gave the father figure a hard time because he was not the biological father. He specifically said " well where's the biological father at then" when my friend stated he was the step father. He didn't want to hear that this placement was temporary or that he had custody. He was just arrogant. He rather proudly announced to me "I found out your information so officers are at your house looking to make contact with you" Ok no problem, but shouldn't you have asked me for ID.... I was never ID'd. And still again, no problem- that's part of your job, I have nothing to hide, I haven't abused anyone.
After quite the scene of these 5 officers with her bio mother and the boyfriend and proof via court documents, the friend again was granted full custody. Then to add some icing on the cake, the scene they made when bringing her belongings out. The friendly officer had the pleasure of picking the stuff up off the ground where the boyfriend had thrown it from the porch. He was cussing up a storm. Her biological mother brought a backpack to the truck and then yelled cuss words within the sentence of "You better never come back here ____, Angela"
Of course to no ones shock, a lot of her items are missing. So on top of being abusive and neglectful to this child and having your boyfriend do the same you will steal from her too. Way too many hard lessons for a kid to have to repeatedly witness, and not fair to her at all. She has what seems to be an upper respiratory infection. Her bio mom wouldn't get her medical care even though it's free since she is on state insurance. Another clear display of neglect. I am so glad she is safe. I am however flustered by the loopholes. She had been choked, she was being kept in a very hot room and allowed minimal liquids, she couldn't have hygiene items, she was called horrible names, and she said the bio mom would have the boyfriend threaten to beat her.... and yet nothing worthy of charges because it was all "hear say". This is another clear demonstration how some kids fall through the cracks and it is too late by the time their help arrives. There is no way I would leave her there, in those unpredictable situations. It is worth any kidnapping charge or court date (no I have no charges, never have, because obviously it was unfounded as we were in front the house anyways) to keep her safe and to never have to worry about a guilty conscious if things had turned worse and something worse happened.
Sweet niece of mine, I love you and I have from the very moment your family started fighting to get you on Halloween night 2006. I loved you more when I gave them rides to visits and court dates. I was thrilled when we got to take you on Saturday outings for the first time and to celebrate your first birthday together at Putt-Putt. No the road isn't easy. Yes the bumps are huge. You may make poor choices time to time, be difficult and even disappoint, but love doesn't stop. It is forever unconditional!
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| shortly after you joined our crazy gang. You fit in perfectly, and still do! |
All this, to give another list of warning signs for children, beyond physical abuse for
EMOTIONAL ABUSE:
CHILD NEGLECT
Child neglect
Child neglect—a very common type of child abuse—is a pattern of failing to provide for a child's basic needs, whether it be adequate food, clothing, hygiene, or supervision. Child neglect is not always easy to spot. Sometimes, a parent might become physically or mentally unable to care for a child, such as with a serious injury, untreated depression, or anxiety. Other times, alcohol or drug abuse may seriously impair judgment and the ability to keep a child safe.Older children might not show outward signs of neglect, becoming used to presenting a competent face to the outside world, and even taking on the role of the parent. But at the end of the day, neglected children are not getting their physical and emotional needs met.
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