The role of Grandparents

It becomes more and more AND more clear to me how lucky I was/am to have the former "typical" involved, loving, committed grandparents I had- in the then "typical roles" I feel Grandparents had.  I am even more thrilled that my kids get to experience it too, for the most part.

I see grandparents raising kids or being the primary supporter of kids.  Those kids will never experience that grandchild, grandparent specialness, because their grandparent has had to become a parent to them.  For those situations though, I am so glad the grandparents were able and willing to stand up to the plate.
  I see grandparents who are hands off, ones who never want the grandchild over night, Grandparents who disagree with teen and adult grandkids decisions to the point of causing barriers and a separation in the relationship.  I can't imagine not having the relationship I did and can't imagine my kids not getting to have a similar experience.  To me it is very sad.  Why would a grandparent CHOOSE to be less involved?  I saw it a lot in my BK days, and it never made sense the grandparents of my employees who wanted to be minimally involved in their lives or their kids lives.  The ones who allowed changing times and older views (like that of inter-racial relationships and thus biracial children) interfere with their relationships.  The grandparents who choose other things over their grandchildren.  the ones who are horrible examples.  The ones who don't even deserve the title of grandparent.  I still get saddened when I hear the stories and see it first hand.  It is so not fair for these kids, in my opinion.  They are being cheated out of the best friendship and bond and cheer-leading team they have. 

In my world, Grandparents are there to spoil and love unconditional.  My favorite memories all involve grandparents.

Maternal: If we had an extra day off (teach in-service, random holiday, etc), many weekend, and school vacation- I would high tail it to the country, an hour away to Grandma and Papa's.  Papa spoiled me at the groccery store in their small store: fruit loops (way to sugary for my parents to buy it for me), Ritchey's chocolate milk, my preferred ice cream whether it was Chocolate Butter Fudge, Ice Cream Sandwiches, dream cicles or ice cream bars.  These were all common staples at Grandma and Papa's house.  Grandma and I would cook together every visit.  She'd make me ANYTHING I wanted.  Most mornings started with either those fruit loops or amazingly shaped pancakes- bunnies, mickey, cats, and more.The experience I have with gardening, came directly from their back yard, where they worked extremely hard on what I consider a large family garden.  It was the fun, yet simple country life at their main house.  Then they took spoiling and grandparenting to the extreme and bought their "vacation home" on the same block as our house.  They still mostly resided at their country home, but came to town for doctor appointments, to see us grand kids and spending the nights meant even more spoiling time.   The memories are countless and all good ones. I somehow have blinded out the pain that came with my grandpa's cancer--- probably because he was optimistic.  I even went to some cancer dr appointments with them and got to spend the night with them in the hotel.  My last visit to Papa was when my brother and I walked to their house about 2 miles away (we had moved since they bought their "vacation home"-- same city, new neighborhood) on a very icy day. Grandma, a long good 80 years, and yet not long enough.  Loved her raisin cookies and her pumpkin chocolate chip cookies, her chocolate pudding from scratch.  Sitting in her downstairs apartment, watching birds and squirrels, with Nicky her lap dog chatting.  I can't imagine having a better set up and a more committed loving set of grandparents.  I wish it could have lasted forever.  I wish my kids could have known them.  I wish I wish I wish, But one thing is for sure.  I couldn't have wished for better (and even local!) grandparents.  I can't imagine having a better set up and a more committed loving set, who were everything I could ask of a grandparent relationship- and more, and specifically what I wish for my own kids.

Paternal: Nana and Papa were a 7 hour drive from Pennsylvania, so visits weren't too often; usually once in fall/winter, every other Easter and a few weeks in the summer.  Having long distant grandparents is very different than local ones, but still just as blessed within the big picture.  This is where I initially learned the value of large close knit family. Mom was an only child- as compared to dad being 1 of 4 kids, meaning I had "1st" aunts,uncles and cousins in West Virginia.   This is where I learned about being fully committed to your family, until the moment they take their last breath  My great-grandparents were never put in a nursing/retirement home, instead Nana and Papa's living room was transformed into a bedroom as long as it was needed.  They installed faith, going to church, church activities and a favorite past-time of VBS.  I have never been there a Sunday where church wasn't attended.  Family is a HUGE deal.  These are the only grandparents I got to experience into my adulthood, and that my children and I both share.  They have always stayed connected and supportive, even when they don't necessarily agree with whatever is going on, they are still just as loving and committed as ever to every single family member and takes a personal interest in each of their lives and are the first to offer support to any friend or family member.  They could lead a better example of leaders of a family (and a community too), and I am luck enough to be able to claim them at grandparents.

Great Grandparents:  I vividly remember two of them.  Great Grandma Ethel and Great Papa Bertie.  I was much younger, obviously when they died but I can remember that too.  The clearest memories of Great Grandma were visiting her house in the country, her always full cookie jar in the kitchen, the porch swing (which is on my top 5 for my dream house- seriously), and flowers and plants in the very large yard.  Great Papa I remember much more.  His farm, the microscopic bridge to get to his house, the cattlewalk, the swinging bridge, the little cemetery and of course Oatmeal Cream Pies by Little Debbie... when they used to be bigger than a 50 cent piece.  Then when he moved in with Nana and Papa, his nurse, him in his chair, his tobacco, his horehound hard candy, and countless family get togethers.

And now my own kids are experiencing all the best things about grandparents and great grandparents!  Another lucky couple of kids, lucky enough to have one set of grandparents and a grandma, one set of great-grandparents and then they even had an honorary grandma. Blessed, and may the tradition rich of grandparent love continue for countless generations to come in our family.

Domestic Violence Thoughts

In 11th grade as part of a work co-op class I took, I was also in a club called FCCLA: Future Career and Community Leaders of America.  During that I did a speech on domestic violence.  Sadly in the past 10 years the realities and frequencies have only gotten worse, in my opinion based on what easily accessible data I could find on-line.

Domestic Violence in VA in 2002
52,449 hotline calls-- up 17% from previous year
148,774 hours of advocacy services for adults
76, 855 hours of advocacy services for children
9,902 hours of legal services
163,343 nights of emergency shelter services
Sadly 1,169 families were turned away for emergency shelter due to funding and space

Domestic Violence in VA is 2012
67,380 hotline calls-- up 4% from previous year
178,334 hours of advocacy services for adults
74,539 hours of advocacy services for children
9,500 hours of legal services for non sexual domestic violence crimes (data unavailable for sexual domestic violence)
198,274 night of emergency shelter services
Sadly 3,486  were turned away for emergency shelter due to funding and space

No I couldn't find accurate information of number of crimes specifically in each of those years, but based on these numbers alone, it appears it certainly has NOT declined.

Some more scary statistics:

• Nearly 1.3 million women and about 835,000 men are assaulted by their partner every year in the United States
• On average, 24 people per minute are victims of rape, physical violence or stalking by an intimate partner in the United States — more than 12 million women and men over the course of a year.
• 1 in 4 women (24.3%) and 1 in 7 men (13.8%) aged 18 and older in the United States have been the victim of severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime
• Nearly half of all women and men in the United States have experienced psychological aggression by an intimate partner in their lifetime (48.4% and 48.8%, respectively)
• Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women—more than car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined.
• Studies suggest that up to 10 million children witness some form of domestic violence annually.
• Everyday in the US, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends.
• Men who as children witnessed their parents’ domestic violence were twice as likely to abuse their own wives than sons of nonviolent parents.

• #1 FACT:

  Most domestic violence incidents are never reported.
  
  
  

  

  
  

 All of this to say, this continues to be a huge issue in our communities.  I watched it hit our local area to the point of murder 9 times in just over a year.  Of the  9 murder trials already scheduled in my area (over approx 40 miles- 4 localities) 7 could be considered that of domestic violence and that doesn't include the two most recent one not yet booked- both of which are domestic violence, or any I am failing to remember.

It has hit close to home watching my best friend's family grieve the loss of a daughter in law and a sister in law.  She was shot, murdered, by her on again-off again boyfriend; father of her youngest child (age 6) heartlessly while both her boys (6 and 14) were just one room over.  It isn't my place to give any further details, but I can only imagine that their last imagine of mom is a heated argument they could likely hear and then a BANG and a bleeding, dying, dead mom on the floor/bed and all the horror that follows that- police,  funerals, court dates, absence of both parents- one due to death the other prison.

I am one year younger than the brilliant, beautiful mom and victim I saw in that casket, with her gorgeous locks of hair curled, surrounding her lifeless body.  What makes us different?  Had I chosen another partner, Had I accepted a bad situation, had I hoped things would get better, had life handed me a different deck of cards and I had hoped it would change rather than forcing a change, That too could be me.  I don't personally know that victim well.  I don't know what warning signs she may or may not have faced.  I don't know what warning signs her friends or family may have seen or heard about.  

I have heard vague details of another friend's experience of dating abuse-domestic violence.  For her I couldn't be more thrilled.  For her she hit her rock bottom before it was too late.  Her family welcomed her back with open arms.  She worked her way back up financially and eventually emotionally, which took the longest amount of healing time.  Now 3.5 years later she has a normal and blessed life.  God and church are a big role in her life, a new husband, a baby on the way, continuing support from her family, a first home, and best of all full custody of the child she shares with her abuser.  That child gets to enjoy life abuse free, not seeing Mommy as a victim and not becoming a victim.  I get so excited for her everyday when I see her facebook update on her happy, safe life.  It's been quite the journey for her, and it's amazing to see where you can go if you take those steps to escape for good, forever.

I hope tragic stories like that of Jenny, don't end with just a death.  Awareness is created and hopefully girls in abusive situations can see the very real possibility of where allowing an abusive relationship to continue can lead: no where, a grave, heart break to your family and friends.
If you feel you are in danger- LEAVE!  If you need to talk to someone, call the domestic abuse hotline or visit their website: they have a ton of info and a chat feature to get in contact with someone who can help you
National Domestic Abuse Hotline
1−800−799−7233 or TTY 1−800−787−3224.
Ask a friend you can trust for help, call the police,  Regardless don't accept the abuse.  It will NOT get better by staying.  
Don't become another deadly statistic.

In addition as a friend, You too need to know the warning signs!  You need to be the victim's voice if they are too scared to get help.  Can you imagine the guilt you'd have to live with if you knew someone was in danger and you didn't do everything you could-- and then it was too late, like in Jenny's case.  All the tears, all the memories, all the wondering- Too late!  If you know someone in danger, get them help, you can report it, even if they haven't/won't.

COMMON WARNING SIGNS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

The following list can help you determine whether you or someone you care about is

involved in an abusive relationship. Not all of these characteristics need to be present

for a relationship to be abusive, and characteristics by themselves do not necessarily

indicate abuse.

A relationship may be abusive if your partner...

•Feels he/she has the right to dictate your behavior, privileges, or responses and

opinions

•Demonstrates ownership of you or extreme possessiveness; says things like “I can’t

live without you,” or “You are my whole world.”

•Blames you for her/his problems or behavior

•Isolates you–doesn’t allow you to see your family or friends

•Needs to constantly know your whereabouts; expects you to spend all of your free time with him/her

•Humiliates you in public

•Forces you to have sex or perform sexual acts

•Insists on controlling all of the money, both your and his/hers

•Refuses to let you go to work or, at the other extreme, forces you to work

•Has no regard for your physical or mental health

•Criticizes your appearance, weight, clothes, etc.

•Pressures you to live together or get married before you are ready

•Angers easily

•Becomes angry when you have a different opinion than he/she does or don’t take

his/her advice

•Shows jealousy toward your children, family, friends or job

•Suggests reasons for you to fear ending the relationship

Dual personality (Jekyll and Hyde), i.e., charming in public, aggressive in private

•Displays violent behavior toward other people

•Disregards the law; feels he/she is above the law

•Doesn’t want you to know about his/her past

•Blames all past relationship problems on the ex-partner

•Has a record or history of domestic violence

The Christmas Program- DTD Christian Academy

The kids had a great Christmas program at their school on the 19th of Dec.  It's a first for us.  Our church is too huge for the kids to get to do things like plays, performance or special music.  Public school doesn't offer anything close other than violin lessons; and music was least of our concerns--- they needed to learn to read, write, add, subtract first.

The night began with music from some of the middle schoolers.

The the keyboarding students performed.  All but one of them are in Jayna's class.  Jayna looked quite swell, and certainly cute at her keyboards with the rest of the kids.  But if you think I fell for it, no no I didn't.  My daughter slowly moved her fingers, never far enough down to make a noise.  She had been afraid of messing up.  Don't worry no one heard her make a mistake.... because she only pretended to play the three songs.

Then, it was time for the Kindergarten, 1st and 2nd graders to perform.  They did the cutest song.  I wish I could have gotten a better video, but I also wanted pictures--- such is life :-)

 

All the kids were dogs.  Jayna was a Labrador retriever.   If you've never heard the song the 12 days of Christmas, you should TOTALLY listen to the full song here: 12 Dogs of Christmas Song

This is a clip of their performance of it:

Then they performed a song with bells, read a cute poem and sang away in a manger.

Then it was time for the play that the 3rd-8th graders performed for us.  They did exceptionally well.  Their play was called "All I Want for Christmas"  Here is the description of it:
All Lindsay wants for Christmas is... everything she sees! And while she's pouting over her mother's true words about why we celebrate Christmas, Lindsay finds some new friends... cool “toy” friends... that come alive to her. Together Lindsay, Miss Glamour Doll, Chucko the fluffy teddy bear, the action figure Captain Courage, and the ever popular Jack-In-the-Box tell the story of the first Christmas and discover the true meaning of the season. This 40-minute musical teaches a wonderful lesson about the ultimate gift that God gave to us. All I Want for Christmas has traditional carols, delightful “character songs” .
There were 7 main character parts.  The rest of the students dressed up as a toy of their choice and helped sing the non-solo songs.  Anthony typically would stand still and not perform if they would sing for a special music class in school or a huge children's church special.  But check out this boy.

 Pictures of the "toys" on both sides of the stage

It was so exciting to watch the kids so comfortable and confident at their school.  Yes the girlie won't keyboard, but I blame some of that on her vision issue due to the required focus it obviously takes and something we know her eyes don't do properly.  They have friends, they have fun, they are growing new talents.  Best of all no controversy on if the performance is "too Christian" or a Christmas carol may have a religious word within it.

This is Jayna's favorite school friend--- her 13 y/o buddy Brandon, who I get daily updates on from his hair style, to how they spent recess, to if she saw him in the hallway.  He is quite sweet and is friendly to Jayners.

The big performance tired a sweet boy out

Well Done Governor

Our former Governor Bob McDonnell may have some cloudy gifted finances- or not, I don't know the situation in depth enough to state an opinion really... What I do know is, he successfully finished his term with a great accomplishment- not of economics and job growth, or public school achievements or healthcare or even a particular law.  Instead he leaves office having found 1,000 forever families for 1,000 foster children in Virginia over 6 months.
At any given time in Virginia there are about 5,300 children in foster care.  About 1,000 at any time are available for adoption.  Obviously these are averages as some age out of the system, some more are added, some are adopted, etc.  In fact, child number 1,000 was adopted less than a month ago on Dec. 20th, from very near to here, Campbell County--- which is all of 5 minutes away from Lynchburg.  In Campbell County they had 11 foster adoptions during this initiative. 
Mr Governor, may the legacy you leave not be one of finances and numbers, but one of lives changed, hearts opened, love found and families created.

Hopefully the new Governor will continue a legacy like this one that far outweighs party lines and fiances and has a much longer lasting impact.  I won't hold my breath, but it would be nice if he continued this trend of the American family for everyone, foster children included.

Annual Christmas Letter

Hopefully all my cards arrived to their destinations--- $20 in postage later... so I can now post the much less expensive version- online!  And since I am not limited to two pages I get to add my own commentary and as many of my favorite slang as I choose....... yes I love these.... and try to never use them properly or the proper amount in case I was going to use them properly....

Dec 2013

Dear Family and Friends,

 Another year come and gone, filled with happiness, blessings and so much to be thankful for!  We have stayed plenty busy and made some great memories.  Marko and I are celebrating our 10th anniversary this month; rather good for wedding at 17.5 and 19 years old.

Marko has now been with MTS as IT Specialist for a year this past August.  He is still loving his job, which is something so few seem to be able to say.  He has enjoyed getting to travel this year for work.  He was able to visit many places he had never been before; Chicago, Dallas, Boston and others. He also has earned some new IT certifications in different areas like security­­ all of which are WAY over my head.  The bonus side of him having an “office job” rather than his own
business, he now has some great work buddies.  Previously, he was mostly antisocial other than a fellow manager of mine from BK who he became good friends with.  It is neat watching the social side of Marko... don't worry Garbear, you still hold your place <3

 I continue to work third shift for the answering service and my crossing guard job for the second year.  I also volunteer at both the city school and DTD School 3­4 days a week. Last school year I was on 4 committees at the kids' school in addition to volunteering for all the school special events.  I had to resign all but one committee this August when both kidlets transferred.  I am still on the Sheffield Hospitality Committee and continue to volunteer weekly. I also have been busy helping a former customer from Burger King with house cleaning weekly.  I coached soccer and basketball this year on the church league, in addition to joining the 1st­3rd grade Children's ministry team at church.  It keeps me plenty busy, and I enjoy staying busy.

  Jayna is 8.5 and having a year of change and challenges and now some progress.  She struggled a lot academically last school year and the school was unable to devise a plan to help her.  We were able in the past year to get one diagnosis, convergence insufficiency and she starts vision therapy this month for that.  We are in the lengthy process of an official dyslexia diagnosis. Thankfully amongst the lack of answers and frustrations, we did find a puzzle piece.  In August
Jayna started her new school, Desmond T. Doss Christian Academy.  They even have a dyslexia program, something we weren't able to find anywhere else.  But best of all, she loves it, adores her teacher and is happy there.  We are very hopeful that she will have great progress this year.  She is absolutely loving the writing program, Writer's Workshop and is always writing stories, huge
difference from a year ago.  Away from school, Jayna played basketball, took swim lessons, played soccer and joined the cross country and gymnastics team at her new school... most of which she didn't actual enjoy but she was forced to obey her mom's rules of you start it, you finish it.... this child likely wasn't created for team sports... She also is in Adventurer Club, which is like a co­ed girl/boy scout with a Christian foundation.  She remains a great mix of girly fashionista, tree climbing, pull up performing tomboy who loves anything artsy too.  She performed her Hula Hoop abilities in the school talent show and was pleased to do 12 pull ups at the Marines exhibit this fall... yes obviously the spot light is more her enjoyable comfort zone as opposed to sports, although artsy stuff takes the cake.

 Anthony is now nearing the double digits and will be 10 years old on Feb. 28, since it isn't a leap year.  He loves sports. He played basketball, football, cross country and will play soccer in the spring.  Anything active he wants to be in.  He ran a one mile Turkey Trot with a 7min 52 sec time.  Of course, typical for kids he can certainly also be very into his video games.  Like Jayna he is in Adventurer Club too.  He started his year at city school, but we were quickly extremely
blessed with a spot for Anthony at Desmond Doss, where Jayna is. He was initially shy, but now you would never know he is a first year student and has practically become a professional four square player... amusingly the gift he requested most often was a playground ball with the thick rubber, and the biggest smile in pictures was when he was surprised at Grandma and Poppy's with that said four square ball.... He will happily tell you his favorite subject is P.E. And Recess, which is no shock. The kids are very lucky to have a huge playground and ball field to enjoy daily recess multiple times a day!

We have had a fun year together.  We enjoyed several vacations.  A week in Pennsylvania with my sister Missy and her husband and four boys is near our favorite.  Anthony even got to bring along his best friend who had never been out of our state before... their first visit to my beloved Lakemont Park, which isn't the same but allowed Jayna and Will to ride their 1st roller coaster and all the kids loved the farm Missy lives on!...  We had four West Virginia trips this year.  Thanksgiving of course wins the cake as it is the only time of the year we have all
the family at Nana and Papa's together and the kids enjoy cousin time.... It's crazy to see how this all started when the girls were 2 ... and now are 8 and an extra cutie has been added to the excitement!... Sadly Marko's Aunt Carolyn died this year.  On the plus side, it allowed the kids and I to go to Marko's family's tiny hometown.  We got to see where Grandma Pam grew up and the school she attended along with other family memories.  The kids also enjoyed the “get away” with their Grandma Pam and other aunts and uncles.... the big river and park right there at the only hotel/motel was a big hit, and everything (all 4 options) are within walking distance.... I enjoy learning about their family history and teaching them it too!...  In August we enjoyed four days at Virginia Beach with Poppy, Joe and Mark. The kids love the water and jump at any chance of extra time with their Poppy.... and the boy thinks Uncle Mark is the best ever....

 A huge highlight in our year has been the addition of my Godson, baby Tristan in April. After a long 10 year wait my best friends finally had a successful pregnancy and now we happily spoil Tristan!  Every Friday night I get to watch Tristan for 5 hours along with his big sisters.  We love having “cousin” time every Friday and look forward to it each week.

 The other excitement of my year has been finding nearly all of my foster siblings.  There are only 2 of 26 foster siblings I don't have contact with.  I'm hopeful that this coming year I will find them too.  The years have passed since we lived together as siblings (some as long as 16 years ago), but I continue to remember them, and have found great excitement in reconnecting.  I am also in the process of writing the kids a book about their unique family.  It is about 1/3 finished and
has been enjoyable to create for them to better explain our unique family to them.

 We are hopeful your year has been equally rewarding and that you can count the positives in your life.  We have been richly blessed again this year and look forward to what God has in store for our family this year.  May you remember to savor the moments and memories you have and enjoy a happy and safe new year!

With Love,

The Sykes Clan

Marko, Beth, Anthony and Jayna