And worst of all is that paths still constantly cross, whether a picture on facebook, hearing about the relationship others still choose to have with this abuser, knowingly putting their own families at risk, driving past the street it happened that for years brought her to fear and tears, the emotional wounds that far surpassed the physical marks, then the frivolous side is we spent a chunk of change on counseling and on merchandise we otherwise would not have had to.
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| The weekend before the abuse |
This really wasn't out of the normal. She'd been a part of their lives nearly her whole life. They recently moved and Were anxious to have a sleepover. It wasn't a first sleepover. Jayna had been to previous home several times both with and without me. I had of course had their children over a ton as well.
As was normal, I worked 3rd shift so napped that afternoon. What a tragic decision. I should have stayed awake in case Jayna's typical bouncing off the walls self was too much, but I didn't. I don't know if it would have made a difference, as I never got a call to come get her, but it might have. And tragedy struck. She was sent to a friend of that family's house NOT my friend, NOT somewhere she had EVER been before, NOT someone I would ever trust with her care, NOT somewhere I would approve.
And although to most it may seem minor, THIS has been my life's biggest regret- Not working insane hours, not being a young parent or marrying as a teen, not the amount of time I have or haven't spent with anyone else. My regret was a nap after 3rd shift, while I thought my children were both safely being watched. I don't mean 8 hours of sleep, just a few hours that afternoon, and during that time frame, my child was intentionally physically abused by an adult.
Jayna was playing with several other kids, most I don't know. A window was cracked. Since all the kids were friends, except Jayna was the new one in this circle, she was blamed. This "mom" decided to take it upon her self to leave handprints and welts and light bruising on my daughter's back, and permanently scar her emotionally. The friend I left her in care of let me know she was at this person's house and I picked her up. When I got there Jayna was crying hysterically, sobbing uncontrollably, this was very out of character and I couldn't even understand anything from her. I took her the less than a mile to my parents house. It's been 7 years so I am not certain of the step by step, but I do know we saw the marks, and she said that mom hurt all the kids over this cracked window because no one would admit they did it. I do know Marko came immediately, somehow kept his cool which is amazing coming from him, and then went and had words with this abuser. And I do know after all was said and done, the kids admitted Jayna didn't break a window. However, even if she had, this would NEVER be a suitable reaction from an adult.
Sooo
lazy today. Got a nap before hubby went to work, boys are quietly
playing upstairs, Jayna's at her friend's house and Stevie is loving the
mud and damp grass in the yard. And in other news I like my new iPhone
just fine but the lame picture of an apple is about to be transformed
into a pig face... I don't like to be oh so normal...
I am still mad at myself for accepting Marko talking with her as good enough. I did notify a police officer of every detail. He is a friend of the family, as to attempt to do what was right, but we never filed charges, only a police report. I wish so much I had pressed charges for child abuse, assault, even if it only got her a slap on the wrist which would be standard for a 1st time conviction without severe physical damage. But, I didn't want to, at the time, put Jayna through the court system. And so she got off without any punishment. That friend and her are still "besties" and I think that hurts as badly as the impact to Jayna. You chose her, the abuser, over the victim. And that will forever hurt. You still chose to put your children at risk. You trust an abuser that it won't happen again, I assume. The double standard pierces me. Watching this friendship continue is painful. It is as if my child wasn't a victim, as if this was no big deal, as if my child was at fault for this abuse, not her abuser. There was never a pause in the relationship with my friend and this abuser after this incident. There was however a gigantic rift in our relationship that would take two years to start to mend, but we have gone back to being good feiends and we mostly avoid this topic. It is a known fact we can't both be at any event which i know is rough on her, but it isn't my fault. I didn't cause this. I never allowed Jayna around her solo until Jayna had a phone. Jayna really likes them and I can't punosh Jayna with no contact. It was our children who mended our hearts. But now we are closer than our kids. I know this decision would be conteoversial, but I do believe it was the right one for us.
Sometimes
a second chance is one too many. Jayna will not again go to a non
family play date or sleepover without me. I would never imagine
paddling someone else's child regardless of the circumstances so to
paddle my child because no one will fess up to a cracked window,
absolutely not! And she was paddled knowing I was on my way as the play
date was over and hit hard enough to leave finger marks and a light
bruise on her lower back.
- Bethany Leigh No kidding unfortunately. She cried from 635 when I picked her up through her ride him, bath and until Poppy won her over with fresh strawberries. I am still beyond irate. Marko talked to the lady and was a good boy keeping his calm. He has truly become a professional... So not the Marko of even 5 years ago. She is fine now that daddy told her he dealt with it other than a tender lower back. And to add insult to injury, an adult male I don't know at the house laughed at Jayna after she is hit and crying and said " you aren't use to getting your a$$ whipped are you". Obviously you can't trust people even ones you have known for years and years for your kids to be around them unsupervised.
- Bethany Leigh Yes I do have pictures that show the bruise and finger marks. But since she is mostly undressed obviously I won't post the pic. Marko doesn't want to involve the police. His family has serious distrust of police so Marko is a fix it myself type and shockingly kept it simple and civil. I just wanted to get Jayna away from the assaulter and safe to calm her down. Luckily daddy dealt with it decent enough and we will deal with it by avoiding unbeth supervised playing at our home or where we go in public.
- Bethany Leigh Give me Phil's # in a text or message if you still know it and I will call him. He is one I would certainly speak with! My amusing child has drawn revenge pictures--- hmmm she may very well take after her Aunt and mom ;-)
- Bethany Leigh Ok, it's done, police report has been filed with my favorite Lynchburg Police Department Officer (the bonus of working third shift like he does and having had him in the family for the past 4 years when my lil sis was dating him). We are however not filing charges at this time as we don't want to continue to drag this on for Jayna. And although I totally agree it was 100% wrong and have discussed it with Jayna I don't want to put her in the position of having to go to court, testify, or especially be cross questioned. We have a safety plan in effect for her of AVOIDING the people who hurt her, laughed at her and ignored the situation and assuring her that this was wrong and should have never happened and was NOT her fault. The report was made and the officer knows other children were involved and I have pictures of Jayna's back. I spoke with the mom of one of the other girls who was there. She didn't have any marks although she too had been hit as well.
Even so, there's more pain when I see evidence of the friendship with the abuser. I try to keep my life and friendship 100% separate from hers with this person but it is far from easy. I have her blocked on social media but then that friend and her kids and family will post pictures, which feels like a punch in the stomach. I don't attend events she is at. and yet paths crossed 2 weeks ago and it has caused a lot of emotions. I try to be strong, act like we can coexist, but I can't coexist with a child abuser. I can't stand the name, I can't stand the pictures, I can't stand the pain you have caused, the damage you created and the impact you still have on our lives, and yet everyone acts like it was no big deal. She may not have been forever disabled by this abuse, but she IS forever emotionally damaged. I can't imagine going on with life as normal with an abuser. Over the last 7 years, I have continued to prove my stance in other cases that hit too close to my circle. But I guess not everyone is willing to make those hard moves to have zero tolerance for abuse. Some are able to forgive and rebuild relationships with abusers, but that will never be me. But that hasn't even been the case as there was never a rift between this abusers and other mutual contacts.
I know this blog will be offensive. I didn't name, names. But I also know those who have been around locally for 8 years will know, as our circles cross. I've wanted to put this into words for a long long time, but was afraid of offending others. However, at some point you must stand up for yourself and your children and try to heal from trauma. This was traumatic to me and hurt worse than any 3rd degree burn. 7 years later the pain is raw. 2 years after a burn, I try to avoid fire situations but mostly am healed. Writing is my therapy. And then the scarier part, I know 2 new babies are about to enter the world this season she has full contact with. She has two new potential victims and it sickens me watching it unfold. Sure some believe people change, but I have a different opinion.
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