Our Girly

Writing is my outlet, my relief, my happy place.  All summer I was super extra cautious not to write anything that could be flipped or twisted or could create issues or could rob our kids of happiness.  All summer I have been almost happy.  And yet the elephant is everywhere.  I wanted to blog and chatter and exclaim what great family filled trips we had, and how I survived another work week, and how thankful I am for a loyal hard working supportive husband, and how my kids have the best grandparents, aunts, uncle and cousins and how.....

In stead I wrote nothing.  As our family grew, a piece of my heart was eliminated and it hurts and I won't lie.  I will never in my life understand how adults can use children as chips to one up others.  I know what we did was right and good and was a must and I am still left pondering HOW can I stop loving your kids unconditionally.  It's simple.  I can't.  I won't.  Love should never be able to shut off or be cut off.  So contact or not I love and miss them and now am left to only praying for them.  How can I have financially supported your family too many times, babysat countless times, was fully involved.  And yet you had no issue stopping contact with mine.  Clearly it wasn't an even playing field.  That hurts  Hurts for me, hurts for my children..   How could I have been blind for so long.  How did I not notice or know to step in sooner?  That is the elephant. 

I no longer have contact with a precious two year old and a wonderful 15 year old whom I have always called my niece and nephew.  But the price of having contact wasn't worth it, if it meant a less than safe, happy or proper home for our girly.  In life we will all have to make tough choices.  I'd say this was one of mine, but it wasn't.  We made it in an instant without a second thought.  It was an easy choice that came with a tough result.  Always remember consequences/results come with most decisions, whether good or bad....

 I have always said I'd do anything for my kids, for my nephews and my nieces, for my siblings, for my family, for many kids I love.  I always meant it.  When push came to shove, we honored our word, and sweet (new) child of mine I hope you know you ARE worth it.  You have GREAT value. You are wanted.  You are loved.  Life will rarely be a basket of pansies and butterfly kisses and this was another curve in our road of life.  I have felt broken at times this summer watching you hurt as things were said to you that can't be erased, as promises were made and failed to be held, as you had to grow up faster and decide not what your heart wanted (like being in the same school with the same friends and seeing your siblings every day) but what was safe and good and right for you and your future.  But I've also been given the best gift in getting to love on you all summer and spoil you a little and introduce you to several firsts.
 
I am ecstatic to introduce everyone to our new member, our oldest child, our beautiful, wonderful, funny, sweet, caring, stronger than words can describe daughter Angela.  I made her a promise last year, I kept it again, sadly.  When ever any of my children feel they are in a not safe, not good situation I truly hope they always feel safe in talking to Marko and I and reaching out when you need to, and venting, and sharing, and know we will always love you, always support you, always do our best to protect you and lead you the right direction.  Even when it is hard on you, or me or us.  Even if you are afraid, even if you may have taken a wrong turn.  We are family, we are one.

On August 31st, 2015 the Judge granted us legal and physical custody of you.  Something we have felt all summer, but a piece of paper that safe guards you.  And so now I feel I can write again without fear of typing the wrong thing or offending the wrong person and putting your placement and safety in jeopardy.  I am beyond thrilled to have a third child I never knew I wanted.  I love you girly.  I am so proud of you, your strength, your determination, your honesty, your sweet spirit, YOU.

P.S. Kid you are now stuck in one crazy big loving family!  Consider yourself official and keep indulging, making memories and giggling along the way!  I hope you forever feel you belong, FULLY..... and how have you lived here all summer and Marko and you have been in plenty of pictures but not at the same time.... this will change the day he gets back to town....